Currently Comatose By Skillet No track - on loop see related

Good Morning Friends,

It’s been awhile since I posted anything substantial or honestly worth reading and I hope to remedy that.

As far as I know, only 2 of you who might be reading this are aware of what has been going on with me lately.  I stopped being a regular poster on here because I felt that my time was better utilized offline, studying and spending time with the Love of my life.  We were talking about getting married shortly after we got together 10 months ago, we worked so well together, and I thought we were both happy. I honestly believed that he was the one for me.  But he called me up unexpectedly in the middle of the night on October 16^th to announce that he was done, he doesn’t love me the same way he used to anymore and that he wants out of our relationship.  This was a humungous blow to my psyche. I do not trust people easily.  As horrible as it sounds many times when I go into a friendship I expect them to mess up and hurt me so I don’t trust them very far.  Don realized this and set out to earn my trust, which he accomplished after several months, and then he crushes me like an egg shell underfoot??  I’ve been trying to cope with this for the last two weeks and, although I am getting better at pretending I’m ok, in reality I don’t know if I will ever be ok again.  I will live to love another day, but I will never be the same woman I was before this.  Don was my knight in shining armor, he was the one who realized I needed saving before I knew it myself.  He saw Brian for the asshole that he is and had the guts to tell me to my face to get out before that relationship killed me.  I did and 2 weeks later Don asked me out, starting the best 10 months of my life.  The only time I’ve ever been completely, totally, unquestionably happy, was while I was with him, aside from when I was a really small child at home with my grandmother.

Tomas had called me randomly a day or two prior to Don dropping his bomb on me and the number was still in my phone, but I had left it unsaved because Don didn’t want me to talk to Tomas.  I knew his number by heart minus the last digit but if it had not been for his number still being in my phone because of that random phone call to check on me, I don’t know what I would have done.   I fell apart to put it lightly. I thought my Dad was still awake, he was and realized I was not ok.  He held me for awhile, but when I started crying I went downstairs so I wouldn’t wake anyone else up.  Mom heard me though, funny how a mother’s ears are always in tune with her children and their pain, even in sleep...

I cried myself out while talking to Dad and Mom for what seemed like forever and retreated to my room to try to sleep.  It was not to be.  I fell apart again, but knew no one would be up and then remembered Tomas had called.  Thank the Lord for that random phone call…

I know that some people have questioned why I have kept him around all these years when he is so down-right rude sometimes, but he has truly proven his worth several times over.  This time he should probably have received a medal for all the crying I did lol.  I know he acts pretty rudely sometimes but when the rubber hits the road and I need someone to turn to he has always acted like a friend and/or brother.  I’m afraid when I called him up that night I was more than a wreck.  I couldn’t even talk straight at one point.

Don had nonverbally asked that I delete all the phone numbers to any guy he didn’t know or who he was suspicious of.  I suppose that should have been a red flag but I loved him so much I didn’t think of it as such.  I suppose really he didn’t mean any harm but the result was that when he dumped me like that I had no one to turn to when I needed shoulders to cry on.  That I eliminated all those “friends” was good because I had gotten myself into some trouble in being friends with a few of them and didn’t know how to make them go away, that gave me the excuse to do so.

My mother is having a hard time with this, not because she really did or did not want Don and I together, but because Don hurt me and so it’s brought out the “momma bear syndrome” in her.  She is ready to go to war for her cubs when they are in danger or hurting.  It’s sweet, I’m glad she loves me that much but her increasing negativity toward the situation is almost making it harder.  She can’t understand why I still love him, why I don’t just forget him, find a new man and move on.  She is being practical, I know that, but I still love this man, no matter how much he has hurt me.  I’m probably never going to stop loving him come to think of it.  It’s like… telling the ocean to stop being wet, or dirt to stop laying on the ground underfoot.

I will eventually be ok, I will eventually be able to go back to the church Don and I were raised in from infancy but right now, I just… can’t.  I’ve been going to Nancy’s church, and will probably continue for awhile yet, maybe going to another church that is nearby.  But since there are people who attend the other church who know both Don and I, went to school with Don in fact, I probably won’t go there long term.  The only way I’ve found any peace in any of this is to trust the Lord.  I became so distraught that I begged him to take this burden from me that I can’t bear it alone.  He relieved some of the weight but not completely.  This burden is mine to bear and if he took it from me completely I wouldn’t like that either.

Don and I were together for 10-months, and not once did we fight.  We had disagreements over small things, but never did it get so heated that I would even think of calling it a fight.  He was under a lot of pressure from his schoolwork to get good grades, and from his family to dump me from the first day we got together until the last and he admitted that he couldn’t take it anymore that something had to give and I guess that something was me.

When I look at a man, I judge him by my Dad, brothers and grandpa’s. One grandpa is an excellent man, someone who possesses a lot of personality traits I would like to find in my own man, but my other grandpa is of a negative comparison as he is more than a bit of a jerk at times and although he has good points, they are overshadowed by the bad many times.  My dad and brothers are semi-self-explanatory.  When a girl has a good father there is almost always a special love between them and she will probably want to find a part of him in her husband.  My brothers have a good father and so have a good role model to copy.  I rate both of them, Grandpa Steve and my father in the “Men of Virtue” category.  I also rate Don in that category but apparently he isn’t my “virtuous man” because he doesn’t want me anymore.  I just want him to be happy.  Truly that’s all I ever want for anyone…

I’ve hurt a lot of people in the last several years.  I know that it is pretty unlikely most of them will see this, but for those of you who do, I truly am sorry.

I always was good at writing long posts “full of nothingness” as Tomas puts it but really it isn’t nothingness this time because this is much more than nothing. 

There is always more to be said, but I think I’ve said enough for this post.